Oya's Naked Heart

Fading away...

2011-05-09T05:38:00.000-07:00

Bademim, kızım benim.... düşününce o çok net hatırladığım güzelim kokunu ve tüylerin yumuşacıklığını artık sanki unutuyorum... Güzel yüzün ve bakışların halen aklımda, bazen sesini bile duyuyorum... Evin içinde dolanışın, yatağımın altına saklanışın, halının üstünde uyurken rüya görüşün halen aklımda... bir sürü şey halen aklımda ama kokunu hatırlayamıyorum, tüylerinin elimde bıraktığı hissi hatırlayamıyorum... Kızıyor musun bana acaba, yoksa bunlar normal mi? Böyle böyle solup gidecek misin, beni bırakıp gidecek misin? Hatırladıklarım da bir gün yok mu olacak, sanki sen hiç olmamışsın gibi mi olacak...? Vicdan azabı çekiyorum... kızıyor musun bana?

Böööö!!

2010-06-21T08:32:00.000-07:00

Hani o gün diyordun ya, insanlar ne çabuk korkar oldu ilişkilerden ya da gelecekten bahsetmeye diye... Sinir oluyordun hani her söylediğin şeyi bir teklif olarak algılayanlara, hiç mi düşüncelerimi açıklayamayacağım diye kızıyordun. Eeee şimdi ne oldu? Böööö diye bağırdığımı hatırlamıyorum... nereye kayboldun öyle birden??

Unleash me!

2010-03-05T03:40:00.000-08:00

Gees! I indeed AM under her influence... and she is so clever. She shows her claws whenever I am ready to take action on something she doesn't approve. Not before, not when I am ONLY talking about the action I am gonna take... She keeps silent. But when I open my heart to her, when she sees me determent, she says something like "well, don't you think... well, I am concerned that..." and boom! Suddenly and unconsciously I am concerned too! My brain cells are so well adjusted to obey her that it even feels like an instinct. I believe that they are MY thoughts, that I decided NOT to do it.... but no, it is her who is talking through my lips. I am living in a micro Matrix... Even if it wasn't for my friends who show me the reality, I would end up becoming her eventually... and the more I realize the truth, the more I am alienated from her... and from myself. Set me free!

Key Words

2009-11-06T06:59:00.000-08:00

If humans had key words as articles do, if you could search through a database to find the person you are looking for, my key words would have been... FREEDOM, COMMUNICATION, TRAVEL, CULTURE, LANGUAGE, PEACE, DEVELOPMENT, OBSERVATION, LAUGHTER and LOVE.

Wait and see

2009-10-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

My eyes are red...
My brain is burning...
My soul is screaming...
But my mouth is shut...
I keep silent... Fearsome.

Uyanış

2009-05-10T13:22:00.000-07:00

Varlığından emin olduğum ama ne zaman oluştuğunu bilmediğim iki gerçek var hayatımda. Bir zaman geldi, yüreğim kabuk bağladı, katılaştı… Ve bir zaman geldi, ben dua etmeyi bıraktım. Bunlara ne sebep oldu, birbirleriyle bağlantıları var mı hiç bilmiyorum ama içten içe kendime şaşırıyor ve acıyorum. Bu hayatta bana üzücü gelen olaylara dayanma gücüm mü azaldı da daha katı birisi olmayı seçtim... Kabuk bağlarsam daha mı korunmalı olurum dedim acaba? Dualarımın bir işe yaramadığını mı düşündüm de Tanrı’dan uzaklaştım… Kendimde çok güçlü bir inanç var bilirdim; peki neden Tanrı’yla en son konuştuğum günü hatırlamıyorum bile?! Dostumla konuşurum gibi konuşurdum halbuki O'nunla... Tek bildiğim eski beni daha çok severdim... O çok daha derin acı çekerdi, çok daha fazla ağlardı ama çok daha içten umut beslerdi, çok daha beyaz duygulara sahipti... Eski ben olmak daha zordu ama yeni ben olmak.... ben olmamak demek.

Obama

2009-04-10T05:10:00.000-07:00

On 5th of April, Obama came to Ankara. It was his first visit to a country abroad and he chose to come to Turkey. Everybody thought it was a great jesture and we believed that he's "got our back" now. He touched everbody's shoulder while shaking their hands and all... We were excited.
On 5th of April, I was driving back home. As I got closer to my house, I realized people lined up by the roads waiting for something, so did the police cars. They didn't let me wander around, they sent me home. 5 mins later, Obama's convoy drove by my house, just 200 meters away from my balcony. I saw all those shiny black cars, jeeps, motorbikes... and again, cars, jeeps, motorbikes... Too many vehicles and one limousine! That was the closest I could get to a USA president. I found myself waving my arms with joy and at the meantime thinking to myself what the hell I was doing! What was I so happy for? I wouldn't wave to my own president... Am I a victim of Obama's "Change" talks or good looks? Or was it simply my cultural stereotype that seeing an important person in your dreams such as a saint or a president is the omen of good luck or great success? At the end, I've seen him in person, haven't I? Or in "convoy"... still better than a dream, eh?
I hope I still like him after one or two years... After all, he was so damn "too" well-prepared for this trip that he seemed he practiced his every single move for a million times. So it scares me that he might lose his line someday...

Deafened

2009-03-13T07:55:00.000-07:00

I have been crying out to be heard for 13 years... crying out against a wall. I have been hearing nothing but my own voice echoing back to me for all those years... I have been scratching the wall constantly until my nails bleed but it didn't turn its face to me. It has become my endless struggle to be heard. And recently, the wall finally got cracked and realized how unintentially negligent it was. It suddenly turned into a welcoming hug, asking for my forgiveness. But now I am in agony, I am shattered in million pieces. I couldn't comprehend why I wasn't feeling happy that I got understood finally. Then I came to a thinking, being surrounded by the echo of my own screams for so long deafened me. I was trying so hard just to be heard that I have lost the meaning and importance of what I was saying... I was in the dead-end street of doubt... It felt like I was blabering all those years or talking nonsense, like I was wrong all along and that's why noone heard me... The ending of an almost life-long struggle leaves you with a feeling of emptiness. But more than that, it feels like I have become that wall... I don't hear myself now, I have said the same sentence so many times that I end up not believing it... I won against that wall and now I have to win against myself... I have to make myself believe that yes I was right, yes my fight was right and yes it is over now...

Badem

2009-02-28T07:58:00.000-08:00

Tatlı kızım ameliyat oldu... Her yeri sargı içinde, pek iştahı yok ama yavaş yavaş iyileşiyor yavrum. Geçmiş olsun Badem'im bir tanem!

Overwhelmed

2009-02-12T11:19:00.000-08:00

I cannot write! All those feelings are craving to pop out of me but something holds them back! I feel like I swallowed a balloon, full of words. I cannot take my words out... Not good... not good...

Dream Job...

2009-02-03T06:54:00.001-08:00

Public relations, advertisement, promoting, writing, editing, organizing, entertaining ... love it, love it, love it!!

Stress Addiction

2009-01-29T08:38:00.000-08:00

Stress is like an energy booster to me... I love the days when all the work load is on my shoulders. As I finish one task, another comes and another after that... I act sharper and more organized under stress. Busy days make me feel alive, dynamic and happy. Time flees by and the day ends, leaving me behind peaceful and satisfied... And today was one of those days :)

Miracles of Mirissa

2009-01-22T09:26:00.000-08:00

Ohh how much I want to be in Mirissa right now! At that lovely guest house I used to go almost every second weekend... I cannot recall the name right now, it's been four years... I want to lie down on the wooden chaise lounges beneath those coconut trees on the beach, soaking up the sun and feeling the sweat drops running down on my neck... That was the best place to sleep. The ocean was never too loud, the beach was never too crowded and the sun was always generous.

And I want to climb on that hill again... It rested awkwardly and rebelliously in the middle of the coastline. You could see the whole beach from the top. Feeling the strong sea breeze sweeping over my face, clearing the bitter feelings off of my soul, I want to watch the horizon. I want to sit there alone, let my hair fly, my heart cry... Until I feel free again...

Percentage Puppet

2009-01-15T09:11:00.000-08:00

I suddenly came to realize today... Seems like I have zillions of tiny persons inside me wandering around constantly. Some chatter, some flatter, some depress, some bless, some fear and some dare... They are entirely black, like silhouettes. Cute, rounded, short boys... So small in size. They all look the same but they all have their own individual moods. Sadly, as they are too small to perceive or even notice, I have neither been able to hear their thoughts nor understand their feelings for all my life. I definetely do not know what changes their mood, however I guess the state of my mind changes accordingly. I have to explain at this point that my mood can change without any notice or any significant event. I may be ecstatic one day and melancholic the other but until today, I have never known why that happened. What I realized today is that there might be a percentage in my body which determines my mood. The percentage of my silhouette boys! Here is the maths... If more than %50 of my boys are depressed, then so am I. And if the majority is happy, then I am too! No need to look for any other reason or search for answers! No need to blame anyone else but my boys... Why haven't I realized this before? I am the puppet of my boys...

Uykusuz

2009-01-09T13:07:00.000-08:00

Her gece gözlerinden uyku akana kadar, artık bir dakika daha ayakta durmaya gücü kalmayana, midesi bulanana, başı ağrıyana kadar uykuya direnen bir insan neyin peşindedir ki? Başını yaslayacağı bir omuzun mu?...

White Night Prince

2008-12-28T12:06:00.002-08:00

He was watching the quiet, unmanned street through the window with his arms folded. She was watching him from a distance with a gentle look on her face. It's been snowing for hours, city was sparkling under the street lights, everything was white, everything was silent... Serenity covered the roads. It was a night that may lead you to despair... Too white that may pull you to its dark chambers of loneliness... She had never been able to get rid of the contradictory bitter-sweetness of these peaceful nights. Then, he turned to her, his eyes beaming, and said, "Hey baby, let's go out for a walk, it's so beautiful out there!!" She looked at him, happiness and gratitude melted her heart... She wondered, where he has been all those years, all those lonely nights... She smiled.

Nothing ever changes...

2008-12-22T06:11:00.000-08:00

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!!!!! Happy New Year!!!
Everybody now, once more!!! 365, 364, 363, 362...

2 ve 9

2008-12-07T12:20:00.000-08:00

2, 9, 20+9, 30-1... 29... Yok ya?! Çok yaa...

Destroyed

2008-12-07T12:17:00.000-08:00

It's all in my mind... not in your words, not in your eyes, not in your acts. You're my making. I created you... And I can destroy you! I AM DONE!

Kafesteki Özgür Kuşlar

2008-11-20T01:14:00.000-08:00

Gökyüzünde uçuyoruz... Kızıl-mavi bir huzur var içimde, yumuşak bulutlara dalmışım gidiyorum. Dev bir kuşun sırtına binmiş hayal kahramanları gibi mutluluktan saçlarım uçuşuyor. İki güçlü kartal bana eşlik ediyor, uzaklara uçuyoruz, ülkeler geçiyoruz... Yükseklik huzur veriyor bana. Boşlukta asılı olmak insanın içini boşaltıyor... Dev bir kafesin içindeyim halbuki, her yer kapalı... Öğrendim ki kendi iradenle girdiğin kafes hapsetmiyormuş seni. Öyle özgürüm ki!

Siyah-beyazla Beyaz-siyahın karşılaşması

2008-11-19T06:18:00.000-08:00

Siyah-beyazla Beyaz-siyah bir gün karşı karşıya gelmiş... Domino taşları gibi iki parçalı, birinin üstü siyah, birinin altı... ikisi de kendinden emin, ikisi de dediğim dedik. Siyah-beyaz'ın siyahı Beyaz-siyah'ın beyazına "Haklı olan benim ama sen dediklerimi hiç kabul etmiyorsun, seninle siyahla beyaz kadar farklıyız, asla uyuşamayız," demiş. Beyaz-siyahın beyazı da Siyah-beyaz'ın siyahına "Asıl sen benim dediklerini asla kabul etmiyorsun, tutturdun mu tutturuyorsun, hiç beni dinlemiyorsun, ben haklıyım" demiş. Kimse başını önüne eğip düşünmemiş... Kimse içine dönüp baktığında kendi siyahlarıyla beyazlarını göreceğini bilememiş...

Un Million de Mètres

2008-06-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

Je sais... je sais que ça ne pourra jamais se produire...
De te regarder dans les yeux pour attendrir ton cœur,
De toucher ta peau douce qui sent comme l'abricot,
De m’évanouir dans tes bras, de sentir ton odeur.
Tu es à un million de mètres de moi, mon amour...

Je cache mes sentiments comme un clown triste et bizarre,
Je les cache sous mes bijoux chic et mes vêtements,
Comme un passe-partout, tu ouvres mon cœur, je le crains...
Comme un voleur qui en veut à mes rubis et diamant,
Un million de mètres me protègerons de tes mains.

C’est assez! Mon cœur ne peut plus accepter t’absence,
Je ne croire pas que nous soyons deux étrangers distants,
Mon amour pour toi s’insurge, comme un bachi-bouzouk,
Je veux juste que tu sois à moi, tout le temps, toujours...
Tu es à un million de mètres de moi, mon amour...

Viens, viens... Serre-moi... Je ne peux plus respirer sans toi,
Tiens mes mains... Valsons, valsons jusqu’a ce que tu m’enivres,
Je sais.... Je sais dorénavant ça peut se produire...
Je t’aime! Je t’aime... Je te le dis et le redis...
J’ai un million de roses amoureuses à t’offrir...

Oya

Hide & Seek

2008-06-18T13:41:00.000-07:00

If you are at a stage of your life where you are being the last person to call, last person to recall, last person to invite, last person to unite, last person to miss, last person to kiss, last person to think, last person to drink, last person to whisper, last person to answer, last person to love and last person for all above... which is the right solution to that? Hide or Seek...

Kimmiş o kız?

2008-02-25T03:38:00.000-08:00

Bir varmış bir yokmuş... Küçük bir kız varmış. Güzelmiş, minikmiş... domatesli pilavı sevmezmiş. İp atlar yorulmaz, oynamaktan sıkılmazmış... Üzülür göstermez, hasta olur sesi çıkmazmış... Uyanıkken etrafındaki kötü şeyleri fark etmez ama sonra geceleri kabus görürmüş... Mutluyum sanırmış... kandırırmış kendini...

Sonra büyümüş küçük kız... bir varmış bir yokmuş... domatesli pilavı sevmezmiş. Tanımış kendini, öğrenmiş hayatı ama değişmemiş huyu suyu. Gezer tozar yorulmaz, konuşmaktan sıkılmaz, çalışmaktan gocunmazmış... Üzülür göstermez, hasta olur sesi çıkmazmış... Nesi var anlamaz, bakarmış ellerine; kim yedi bu tırnakları? Koparırmış bir anda çıkan beyaz saçları, koparırmış kanıtları... Geceleri gördüğü kabusları, unuttururmuş sabahın ilk ışıkları... İyiyim ben dermiş soranlara... Mutluyum sanırmış... kandıramazmış kendini...

İşte cevap...

2008-02-25T01:28:00.000-08:00

Kediysem sobamı, kuşsam yuvamı, soruysam cevabımı, topraksam suyumu, renksem boyamı, gölgeysem ışığımı, yoksam varımı, sessem notamı, hapissem anahtarımı, bebeksem sütümü, sağsam solumu, zorsam kolayımı, günsem gecemi, yarımsam tamımı istiyorum... işte tek istediğim bu... bana cevap, bütünlük... bana cevap, huzur...