Key Words

If humans had key words as articles do, if you could search through a database to find the person you are looking for, my key words would have been... FREEDOM, COMMUNICATION, TRAVEL, CULTURE, LANGUAGE, PEACE, DEVELOPMENT, OBSERVATION, LAUGHTER and LOVE.

Wait and see

My eyes are red...
My brain is burning...
My soul is screaming...
Yet my mouth is shut...
I keep silent... Fearsome.

Uyanış

Varlığından emin olduğum ama ne zaman oluştuğunu bilmediğim iki gerçek var hayatımda. Bir zaman geldi, yüreğim kabuk bağladı, katılaştı… Ve bir zaman geldi, ben dua etmeyi bıraktım. Bunlara ne sebep oldu, birbirleriyle bağlantıları var mı hiç bilmiyorum ama içten içe kendime şaşırıyor ve acıyorum. Bu hayatta bana üzücü gelen olaylara dayanma gücüm mü azaldı da daha katı birisi olmayı seçtim... Kabuk bağlarsam daha mı korunmalı olurum dedim acaba? Dualarımın bir işe yaramadığını mı düşündüm de Tanrı’dan uzaklaştım… Kendimde çok güçlü bir inanç var diye bilirdim; peki neden Tanrı’yla en son konuştuğum günü hatırlamıyorum bile?! Dostumla konuşurum gibi konuşurdum halbuki O'nunla... Tek bildiğim eski beni daha çok severdim... O çok daha derin acı çekerdi, çok daha fazla ağlardı ama çok daha içten umut beslerdi, çok daha beyaz duygulara sahipti... Eski ben olmak daha zordu ama yeni ben olmak.... ben olmamak demek.

Obama

On 5th of April, Obama came to Ankara. It was his first visit to a country abroad and he chose to come to Turkey. Everybody thought it was a great jesture and we believed that "he's got our backs" now. He touched everbody's shoulder while shaking their hands and all... We were excited.
On 5th of April, I was driving back home. As I got closer to my house, I realized people lined up by the roads waiting for something, so did the police cars. They didn't let me wander around, they sent me home. 5 mins later, Obama's convoy drove by my house, just 200 meters away from my balcony. I saw all those shiny black cars, jeeps, motorbikes... and again, cars, jeeps, motorbikes... Too many vehicles and one limousine! That was the closest I could get to a USA president. I found myself waving my arms with joy and at the meantime thinking to myself what the hell I was doing! What was I so happy for? I wouldn't wave to my own president... Am I a victim of Obama's "Change" talks or good looks? Or was it simply my cultural stereotype that seeing an important person in your dreams such as a saint or a president is the omen of good luck or great success? At the end, I've seen him in person, haven't I? Or in "convoy"... still better than a dream, eh?
I hope I still like him after one or two years... After all, he was so damn "too" well-prepared for this trip that he seemed he practiced his every single move for a million times. So it scares me that he might lose his line someday...

Deafened

I have been crying out to be heard for 13 years... crying out against a wall. I have been hearing nothing but my own voice echoing back to me for all those years... I have been scratching the wall constantly until my nails bled but the wall didn't turn its face to me. It has become my endless struggle to be heard. And recently, the wall finally got cracked and realized how unintentially negligent it was. It suddenly turned into a welcoming hug, asking for my forgiveness. But now I am in agony, I am shattered in million pieces. But I cannot comprehend why I am not feeling happy that I got understood finally. Then I came to a thinking, that being surrounded by the echo of my own screams for so long deafened me. I was trying so hard just to be heard that I have lost the meaning of what I was saying... I was in the dead-end street of doubt... It felt like I was blabering all those years or talking nonsense, like I was wrong all along and that's why noone heard me... The ending of an almost life-long struggle leaves you with a feeling of emptiness. But more than that, it feels like I have become the wall... I don't hear myself now, I have said the same sentence too many times that I end up not believing it... I finally won this fight against the wall but now, I have to win against myself... I have to make myself believe that yes I was right, yes my fight was right and yes it is over now...

Badem

Tatlı kızım ameliyat oldu... Her yeri sargı içinde, pek iştahı yok ama yavaş yavaş iyileşiyor yavrum. Geçmiş olsun Badem'im bir tanem!

Overwhelmed

I cannot write! All those feelings are craving to pop out of me but something holds them back! I feel like I swallowed a balloon, full of words. I cannot take my words out... Not good... not good...

Dream Job...

Public relations, advertisement, promoting, writing, editing, organizing, entertaining ... love it, love it, love it!!

Stress Addiction

Stress is like an energy booster to me... I love the days when all the work load is on my shoulders. As I finish one task, another comes and another after that... I act sharper and more organized under stress. Busy days make me feel alive, dynamic and happy. Time flies by and the day ends, leaving me behind peaceful and satisfied... And today was one of those days :)

Miracles of Mirissa

Ohh how much I want to be in Mirissa right now! At that lovely guest house I used to go almost every second weekend... I cannot recall the name right now, it's been four years... I want to lie down on the wooden chaise lounges beneath those coconut trees on the beach, soaking up the sun and feeling the sweat drops running down on my neck... That was the best place to sleep. The ocean was never too loud, the beach was never too crowded and the sun was always generous.

And I want to climb on that hill again... It rested awkwardly and rebelliously in the middle of the coastline. You could see the whole beach from the top. Feeling the strong sea breeze sweeping over my face, clearing the bitter feelings off of my soul, I want to watch the horizon. I want to sit there alone, let my hair fly, my heart cry... Until I feel free again...

Percentage Puppet

I suddenly came to realize today... Seems like I have zillions of tiny persons inside me wandering around constantly. Some chatter, some flatter, some depress, some bless, some fear and some dare... They are entirely black, like silhouettes. Cute, rounded, short boys... So small in size. They all look the same but they all have their own individual moods. Sadly, as they are too small to perceive or even notice, I have neither been able to hear their thoughts nor understand their feelings for all my life. I definetely do not know what changes their mood, however I guess the state of my mind changes accordingly. I have to explain at this point that my mood can change without any notice or irrespective of any significant event. I may be ecstatic one day and melancholic the other... But until today, I have never known why that happened. What I realized today is that there might be a percentage within my body which determines my mood. The percentage of my silhouette boys! Here is the maths... If more than %50 of my boys are depressed, then so am I. And if the majority is happy, then I am too! No need to look for any other reason or search for answers! No need to blame anyone else but my boys... Why haven't I realized this before? I am the puppet of my silhouette boys...

Uykusuz

Her gece gözlerinden uyku akana kadar, artık bir dakika daha ayakta durmaya gücü kalmayana, midesi bulanana, başı ağrıyana kadar uykuya direnen bir insan neyin peşindedir ki? Başını yaslayacağı bir omzun mu?...